TVSFPAG -Side Story Chu Jinhan’s Perspective (Part 4)

The moment his memories returned, anger and a sense of absurdity flooded his mind.

That audacious woman—an outlaw who had nearly taken his life, and who had deceived the unaware version of him into such a place.

He had lost everything. The once high-and-mighty Chu Jinhan had fallen into the mud, reduced to clinging like a stray dog, placing all his trust and reliance on a single woman.

He felt joy because of her smile, secretly delighted by her praise, worried when she frowned, and even felt inferior when she suffered.

All the things he had once dismissed with disdain had become the rules of his world after his memory loss.

Like a complete fool, he had wholeheartedly performed in the lie she had woven.

At this moment, all the happiness and sweetness had turned into a joke—like a slap,狠狠 striking his pride.

His reason and pride made it impossible for him to forgive this woman.

She should pay the price she deserved.

Yet beneath the intense fury, another emotion surged.

It was as if another version of himself kept replaying every moment of their time together.

Alongside the stirring in his heart, a more complex feeling than anger rose up.

It felt like two people were fighting for control of his mind.

One felt humiliation and rage over this dark chapter of his past; the other wailed in grief, panicking over the passing of that time… and the reluctance to let it go.

Reluctance.

This angered him even more than the deception itself.

He wanted to tear off that warm facade, expose her lies, watch her collapse, and make her pay for this scheme.

Yet he was also afraid she would flutter away like a startled bird.

He knew why he was angry.

But he did not know why he was afraid.

In 28 years of life, he had never experienced such emotions. That sense of shame also made it impossible to reveal to anyone, or even show outwardly.

The two emotions pulled at him back and forth, clashing and suppressing each other. He felt as though he was splitting apart mentally.

He knew who he was. He knew what Song Yunfei had done. He also knew what he should do.

But whenever he thought of that face, those eyes, all his plans encountered an invisible resistance that prevented him from acting.

In the end, the two emotions reached a subtle balance.

Silence and avoidance.

For him, silence already represented the greatest possible reduction of harm toward her.

If not for seeing her in the news, completely broken and desperate, this balance would have likely lasted for a long time.

The version of him she had tamed into foolish obedience shattered that balance.

He returned to her side without hesitation.

After seeing her again, everything became instinctive.

It was as if his actions bypassed his brain entirely, responding automatically, driven by an indescribable attachment.

Thinking was no longer useful.

He didn’t understand why this was happening.

Why had he become like this?

Since he couldn’t understand it, he stopped trying. The doctor had said not to overexert his mind, so there was no need to dwell on it. He would leave everything to instinct.

Perhaps once he fully recovered, things would improve and no longer trouble him.

But he had overestimated himself, and underestimated how much the time he had spent living with her meant to him.

When he learned that she had left him, the overwhelming panic and emptiness seemed to surpass even his anger toward her.

Seeing others happy would make him recall the time they had spent together.

Seeing a familiar back, he would desperately hope she would turn around and look at him.

Everything around him seemed to lose its color; the sky was veiled in shadow, and everything seemed to lose meaning.

Even though the future looked bright, he still felt no interest in life.

People say time can heal everything.

But he realized that time cannot heal everything—it only forces people to submit and grow numb under day-after-day torment.

Only later did he finally understand.

His feelings for Song Yunfei were not rooted in deception, nor in anger.

It was because the warmth, kindness, smiles, and all the everyday moments they shared were real—yet built upon lies.

He could no longer distinguish whether those beautiful moments were real or fake.

He feared being deceived and disappointed a second time.

In the end, it was because he couldn’t admit that, after stripping away all deception and schemes, he still… pathetically fell in love with her.

Fell in love with a liar.

He hated her for weaving lies, yet also longed for the warmth within those lies.

He longed for the happiness he felt with her, while his reason and pride refused to allow him to forgive.

In his past life, happiness had been a rare thing.

He once believed that achieving something or possessing something valuable—the sense of conquest and satisfaction—that was happiness.

Later, he realized it was not.

Because those joys never created in him the desire to possess them forever.

But Song Yunfei possessed a charm he could not understand, yet deeply fascinated him.

She was sincere and kind, optimistic and bright, always wearing a radiant smile. In front of her, there was no pressure or burden.

Her happiness seemed to come from life itself, as if anyone who stayed with her would be happy.

This was something he could never achieve.

It turned out that, in this relationship, the one who needed the other was never Song Yunfei.

It was him.

It stemmed from the loneliness deep within him, and his longing for warmth.

So he needed her. He selfishly longed to monopolize her light.

He longed for her gaze to remain on him alone, for a long time, and forever; he longed for her emotions—her joy and sorrow—to be deeply intertwined with his.

He had once pondered the meaning of life, but more often than not, the answers he imagined felt empty, even if they sounded reasonable.

Until he found the answer in her.

During the days he had lost his memory, the clumsiness, innocence, dependence, and trust he showed in front of her were not another personality.

They were him—another side of himself, hidden deep within, one he had never dared to reveal.

That version of himself, which he had abandoned since childhood, seemed to find an outlet in her presence.

His suppressed emotions found release. He experienced joy, anger, sorrow, and desire. His life became vivid and real, allowing him to live for himself once.

She made him whole.

That was why she fascinated him so deeply.

He wanted to use love as an excuse to selfishly and permanently possess her.

Two lonely souls, upon meeting each other, finally found completeness in life.