LOT – Chapter 23 If You Dare Make a Sound, I’ll Jab Your Butt!

The recent scandal involving the “Lily affair” (romantic relationships between women) caused a massive upheaval. Aside from those officials who didn’t have concubines, every official who did—including the Emperor himself—launched a thorough internal investigation.

And believe it or not, they actually did uncover a few secret “Lily pairs.”

The problem was, these women involved were either beloved concubines or cherished wives. They couldn’t be killed, beaten, or even scolded. In the end, the officials had no choice but to follow the Prime Minister’s lead and draft up a set of behavioral agreements.

Of course, those who crossed the line too far still faced punishment.

Some women had gone so far as to secretly transfer their husband’s assets, even keeping their own concubines outside the household! Some even plotted murder and robbery—thinking that once their husbands were dead, nothing could stop them from being together. At that point, no one in the household would dare to interfere. Honestly, these women were truly something else!

The next day during the imperial morning court, the officials whose households had been affected looked utterly exhausted. Their gazes toward Lin Mo were filled with blame.

But our dear Lord Lin didn’t notice a single bit of their silent wrath. She stood cheerfully next to Minister Li, happily chatting with her system.

Emperor Xuande also noticed the foul expressions of some officials and sighed with sympathy. Meanwhile, the true troublemaker behind this entire ordeal was currently grinning wide, having the time of her life.

Lin Mo: [Hahaha! Look at that minister in front—his butt keeps twitching. Is he about to poop or something?]

The moment she said this, everyone standing in front of her suddenly felt uncomfortable about their own posteriors.

And the poor official who actually did need to poop had a terrible premonition.

Sure enough, the system chimed in right on cue:

System: [You’re surprisingly observant. That guy is the Grand Censor. But no, he doesn’t need to poop. He’s suffering from a hemorrhoid flare-up.]

The constipated official let out a sigh of relief. Phew, not him.

But the Grand Censor’s expression immediately darkened. So what if he shifted his butt a few times? And seriously, what kind of weirdo stares at other people’s butts?

The system pulled up the Grand Censor’s personal history and found it quite… colorful. Practically an epic centered on hemorrhoid treatments.

Hearing this, Lin Mo became even more focused on the Grand Censor’s rear. The other gossip-lovers in court also subtly shifted their eyes toward his backside.

Grand Censor: …

What is wrong with all of you?! Why is everyone staring at my butt?! Most people have hemorrhoids! It’s totally normal!

The Grand Censor clenched his butt even tighter.

Onlookers: Tsk, tsk, look at that taut rear… The Grand Censor must work out regularly.

The Emperor, watching from his throne as his ministers all snuck glances at the Grand Censor’s backside, had no words for the strange atmosphere.

Why does it feel like my court is getting more and more perverted? he thought. But… now I kind of want to look too. What’s the difference between a hemorrhoid butt and a normal one, anyway?

The system continued:

System: [When the Grand Censor was a student, he loved reading in the latrine. He’d squat for 30 minutes to an hour at a time—and that’s how he squatted himself into a case of hemorrhoids.]

[That kicked off his decades-long battle with hemorrhoids. But nothing’s really worked. Yesterday, he ate something spicy again, and now it’s flaring up.]

Lin Mo shook her head in sympathy.

Lin Mo: [See, you really gotta be quick in the bathroom. Hemorrhoids are hell. Others carry ambition in their hearts—this guy carries hemorrhoids in his butt. Good thing he’s not into men, or who knows what would’ve happened to that poor butt.]

The Grand Censor, hearing that last part, was so furious he saw stars. “You—!”

Just as he was about to erupt, the Grand Commandant, standing next to him, smacked a hand over his mouth. With his other hand, he clamped down on the Grand Censor’s rear, eyes wide as he silently warned:

“If you dare make a sound, I’ll jab your butt!”

The Grand Censor, eyes watering and lips burning, had no choice but to swallow his anger on the spot.

The nearby officials who saw this scene: … The Grand Commandant really went all in, huh!

The Crown Prince and two royal princes standing at the side, and the Emperor seated above: …

The Crown Prince whispered, “This is the first time I’ve ever seen the Grand Commandant act like this… He must really love gossip.”

The Second Prince rolled his eyes at his big brother and snapped, “Like you don’t?”

Meanwhile, Lin Mo remained oblivious to the swirling storm of courtly drama around her, still lost in her thoughts.

Lin Mo: [Hey, System, do you know of any medicine for hemorrhoids? What if my big brother or my dad gets it too? As a loving daughter and sister, I should help them out, right?]

Standing not far away, Minister Lin: …Thanks, but no thanks.

By now, all the officials had their ears pricked up. A good number of them also suffered from “ambitions in the butt,” so they were quite desperate for any effective remedy.

The system did a quick search and replied:

System: [There’s not really any super effective treatment. The simplest is surgical removal, but even then, there’s no guarantee it won’t come back.]

[Still, there are some medicinal herbs that can help relieve symptoms—like pagoda tree flowers, sanguisorba root, Chinese pulsatilla, angelica dahurica, and dandelion. You can apply them externally or take them internally. Crabapple blossoms may also help, but I couldn’t find much detail on that. I mean, I’m not a medical encyclopedia or anything.]

[Anyway, the best way to avoid “butt-bound ambitions” is not to sit or squat for too long. Like your emperor up there—he sits around all day, which is a sure path to hemorrhoids. Actually, he probably has them too.]

Emperor Xuande, who was quietly enjoying the gossip: …

Excuse me?? I didn’t do anything to you, why are you dragging me into this conversation!

Lin Mo: [Even the emperor has hemorrhoids? That really proves how tough this condition is to treat. Prevention’s definitely the way to go.]

Thus, the great hemorrhoid discussion—which started with the Grand Censor’s butt—ended with treatment options and prevention methods. Some national affairs were discussed in between, but Lin Mo wasn’t paying attention by that point. She had dozed off.

By the time court was dismissed, everyone gave the Grand Censor a wide berth. The looks in their eyes were tinged with pity.

“Why are you all looking at me like that? It’s not like I’m the only one with this condition,” the Grand Censor finally blurted out after the Lin father and daughter had left.

The Deputy Minister of Justice standing next to him chuckled and said, “Aw, we’re just worried about you. Wouldn’t want to accidentally bump into you and cause pain—how could we face ourselves as colleagues if we did?”

The Grand Commandant stroked his beard and chimed in, “Exactly. Even His Majesty is concerned. He’s assigned an imperial physician to treat you. See? A blessing in disguise.”

The Grand Censor stared deadpan at the Grand Commandant. “Grand Commandant, I remember that slap from earlier.”

And that threatening hand poised to jab his butt? He remembered that too!

The Grand Commandant’s expression froze, and he instantly found an excuse to flee.

After court that day, everyone seemed to reach a silent consensus—bathroom visits were shortened, and long sitting sessions were minimized. Some even removed the chairs from their studies altogether.

Back home, Lin Mo flopped onto her soft couch and sighed contentedly.

[No long squatting, no long sitting—then I’ll just lie down for a long time! For every restriction, there’s a loophole. As if something like this could stump me!]

Lin Mo: [System! Aren’t I just brilliantly clever? Hahahaha!]

Minister Lin and Lin Qi, who had just come to find her: …This girl really is one of a kind!