EMHTC -Chapter 12 Hiss! How can someone fit so much stuff in there!

What the heck?!

Ass?!

Someone from the Ministry of Personnel instinctively touched their own behind, their eyes wide with confusion.

How can that place even hold anything?!

“And…” A certain official from the Ministry of Personnel swallowed hard, “Putting jewelry in there… wouldn’t it… wouldn’t it get… uh… dirty or something?”

This is killing me!!!

Prime Minister Dou’s hands trembled violently.

It’s tainted, it’s tainted! His son’s betrothal gifts have been defiled!!!

【What the heck, what the heck, what the heck!!!】

Huh?

The others instantly perked up.

What did Xu Yanmiao just discover?

Could there really be something even more absurd than hiding valuables in the anus? No way, right? This is hiding gold in the anus we’re talking about!

【How is this even possible?!】 Xu Yanmiao’s usually composed inner thoughts trembled in sheer astonishment: 【One time, they managed to fit two jade combs, two gold-inlaid jade bracelets, and four South Sea pearls! Is this an anus? This is a black hole!!!】

“Hiss—”

The men present collectively felt their pupils quake.

How could anyone fit that much? Wouldn’t it hurt so much they’d pass out?

“I’ve got it!” One person declared confidently. “This thief must be a woman! Women can give birth, so they can naturally hold such items! Perhaps the woman disguised herself as a man to sneak in.”

Someone else added with conviction.

—Of course, childbirth doesn’t involve that place, but this person didn’t know any better.

【No wonder Prime Minister Dou’s youngest son was limping for days recently. I thought it was because he fought with the Prince of Jibei over a courtesan and got punished by his father!】

The confident individual suddenly looked like they’d been choked by an invisible hand.

A man?! How could it be a man?!

Could a man’s anatomy really be this… naturally gifted? Stop, stop—don’t think about it anymore!

—Yet, many of the men there began sneaking glances at their colleagues’ backsides. If it weren’t for the crowd, someone might’ve wrestled someone down to check for themselves.

Even more mortified than these men was Prime Minister Dou.

—Because as it turned out, the culprit responsible for all this embarrassment was his own youngest son.

What an utter scandal!

The official from the Court of State Ceremonies, Dou’s future in-law, turned to look at him, his eyes filled with sheer disbelief.

Prime Minister Dou noticed and, fearing a misunderstanding, quickly explained, “This is entirely my unfilial son’s doing…”

At the same moment, the official from the Court of State Ceremonies lowered his voice, a mix of excitement and embarrassment in his tone: “Prime Minister, your youngest son’s… um… capabilities back there—can they really carry out so many treasures?”

Prime Minister Dou: “…”

The official coughed awkwardly.

It’s just… pure curiosity, okay?

Prime Minister Dou’s expression looked like someone had accidentally poured a whole jar of mixed spices onto his face, revealing a hilariously complex mix of emotions.

But truth be told, if one set aside the fact that his own house was burning down…

Prime Minister Dou also coughed lightly, lowering his voice. “I… I have no idea. If not for today’s events, I wouldn’t have known that unfilial wretch’s… ahem… rear is so, uh… naturally gifted.”

The two men exchanged glances, each seeing a tinge of regret in the other’s eyes.

Prime Minister Dou: This is my son, so I can’t exactly test the strength of his rear.

Official from the Court of State Ceremonies: But that’s the Prime Minister’s son… Prime Minister’s son… Prime Minister’s son… (The phrase echoed in his mind like a mantra, reminding him to stay in line.)

Meanwhile, Xu Yanmiao was completely engrossed in the unfolding drama, too busy absorbing the gossip to notice the external world.

【Wow, hiding jewelry and pearls in the anus, cleaning them, and then presenting them as gifts to a courtesan?】

【What kind of idiot does this—wait, hahaha, hahahahaha! I… hahahaha… I can’t take it anymore, hahaha!】

The surrounding officials perked up their ears.

Another juicy tidbit? What kind of revelation could make Xu Yanmiao, of all people, laugh so uncontrollably?

【Dou Shifei (Prime Minister Dou’s youngest son) recently gave the courtesan seven South Sea pearls, each the size of a fist… pfft…】

At this, Xu Yanmiao finally couldn’t hold back, bursting into laughter.

—Mainly because he imagined the scenario of Dou Shifei painstakingly squeezing out those pearls one by one over the span of seven days.

After laughing, Xu Yanmiao frantically glanced around. Seeing that everyone else seemed preoccupied with investigating the scene, he sighed in relief before sneaking another peek at the juicy gossip.

【Those seven South Sea pearls were later dubbed the ‘Big Dipper.’ Each pearl is a different color—white, pink, black, peacock green… Dou Shifei gifted them to the courtesan, leaving everyone in the brothel utterly envious.】

【And then… hahaha… and then the courtesan gifted the ‘Big Dipper’ to the Prince of Jibei. The prince then had it made into a belt, which he now proudly wears everywhere, showing off, hahaha!!!】

The officials around bit down hard on their lips, pinching their thighs.

Must. Not. Laugh. Absolutely mustn’t laugh!

The Prince of Jibei originally lived in the Jibei region. His father, the King of Jibei, had been bedridden for half a year, and the prince had come to the capital as his representative.

For the past few days, this man had been strutting around court with that treasured belt, often striking poses to draw attention to it.

That belt was indeed exquisite, attracting many lower-ranked officials to gather around him, just to catch a glimpse—if they could touch it, even better.

One of the Deputy Ministers from the Ministry of Personnel (a rank 7 official) let out a long sigh of relief.

The Ministry has two Deputy Ministers, and the other one noticed his colleague’s odd expression. Widening his eyes, he asked, “You wouldn’t have…”

The first Deputy Minister closed his eyes as if shielding himself from the harsh daylight. After a long pause, he reopened them, speaking with lingering fear, “At the time, I almost touched it. Thankfully, the Prince of Jibei slapped my hand away.”

Such immense gratitude! I’m forever in his debt!

【Wait a minute.】 Xu Yanmiao’s attention suddenly drifted elsewhere.

【How could such a large batch of pearls go missing without anyone noticing during the previous inspections?】

【Oh! Found it—what the…?!】

Xu Yanmiao almost laughed to death.

【This Dou Shifei is truly a talent! He actually pried seven pearls off seven separate jewelry sets, picking the biggest one from each! Hahahahaha!】

【Prime Minister Dou doesn’t allow him to waste money and only gives him fifty taels of silver each month as an allowance. No wonder he had to take such desperate measures during the courtesan competition! Hahahaha!】

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Prime Minister Dou’s face turned from livid to utterly expressionless.

His gaze fell upon the wolf-tooth club leaning against the corner, and a sinister smile slowly crept across his face.

The stolen items were now “tainted,” and even if retrieved, they could no longer be used. But the betrothal gift exchange still had to proceed.

In his desperation, Prime Minister Dou came up with an idea and whispered a plan to the Minister of Rites, Honglu Temple’s Qingyun. The latter’s eyes lit up more and more as he listened.

“Brilliant! Let’s do it!”

His loud exclamation startled Xu Yanmiao, who nervously tried to blend in with the other Ministry of Personnel officials, pretending to focus on the ceremony. To his surprise, everyone he encountered greeted him with a smile.

Xu Yanmiao cautiously returned their smiles.

【Phew, thank goodness no one caught me slacking off.】

【But why did the Minister of Rites suddenly shout like that? What’s going on?】

Before long, the reason became clear to everyone, including the families of both parties and the invited guests.

The Minister of Rites’ daughter had declared her virtuous intentions, lamenting the lingering influence of decadent practices from the previous dynasty. She had begged her father to send her off with modest gifts to curb the trend of extravagance in the current era.

Impressed by her high moral standards, the Dou family responded in kind, agreeing to exchange modest betrothal gifts.

Of course, “modest” was relative to their social standing. For families as wealthy as theirs, reducing a million-tael dowry to a mere three hundred thousand was seen as a huge sacrifice. To commoners, however, this sum was astronomical.

In any case, the daughter’s reputation as a virtuous and frugal woman soared, winning universal praise. As for whether the actual dowry was truly modest or supplemented in private, that was left to speculation.

Meanwhile, at the Dou family, the anguished screams of their youngest son echoed through the halls as he was beaten so severely he couldn’t leave his bed for half a month. But such minor details hardly mattered.

The Emperor himself did not visit the Dou residence.

Although he wanted to give his brother-in-law this honor, Empress Dou personally requested that he refrain, explaining that too much recognition might cause her brother’s household to lose their humility.

The Emperor, always inclined to heed the Empress’s wishes, sent his head eunuch to deliver a congratulatory gift in his stead.

When the eunuch returned, he couldn’t resist sharing the bizarre events he had witnessed at the Dou residence.

“Your Majesty, at today’s betrothal gift exchange, Prime Minister Dou presented surprisingly modest gifts. Yet, instead of being upset, the Minister of Rites joined him in publicly denouncing the extravagance and decadence plaguing our society. Outside the mansion gates, they passionately decried the wasteful customs passed down from the previous dynasty, which burden families at all levels of society.”

“They claimed it was the Minister of Rites’ daughter’s idea, and the people in the streets are now singing her praises as a virtuous and patriotic heroine who cares deeply for the nation.”

Hearing this, the Emperor was reminded of the tail end of the previous dynasty.

Back then, decadence and excess had consumed the nation, from the Emperor and nobility down to the common people. Luxurious clothing, food, and lifestyle practices were celebrated, even among humble tavern girls adorned with rare gems.

The entire empire had exuded a sense of rotting opulence, like a raging fire devouring its fuel.

At the time, no one could have foreseen the abrupt collapse of such a seemingly invincible regime. Many believed it was merely “a little decadent.”

Families, both rich and poor, had embraced excessive wedding customs. While the wealthy could afford it, ordinary families were often left destitute, with many even resorting to debt or infanticide just to survive.

The Emperor sighed deeply. “Life is truly harsh for the common people… When I was young, my family had only a few barren acres of land, yet we could still afford my schooling. But when my eldest brother married and my sister was wed, the family fell into ruin. In the end, I had to sell myself into servitude just to survive.”

The Emperor never shied away from his humble origins, often taking pride in recounting his rise.

After all, who else had climbed from slavery to the throne?

Who else!

Still, the eunuch wisely stayed silent, knowing when to refrain from interrupting.

After his lament, the Emperor ordered, “Instruct the Hanlin Academy to draft a decree regulating wedding expenditures, to be announced throughout the empire.”

This would be an official imperial edict, binding across the land.

“And also convey my verbal commendation. The Minister of Rites, Qingyun, has raised his daughter well. Reward… her for her exemplary virtue.”

Having issued his orders, the Emperor felt much more relaxed. At that moment, a palace servant entered to report, “Consort Zhang says she received Your Majesty’s permission to meet with you shortly. She also heard that you’ve been busy in court all day and worried you hadn’t eaten, so she personally prepared garlic clove noodles.”

The head eunuch raised an eyebrow, silently applauding the consort’s cleverness.

The Emperor, known for his simple tastes rooted in his humble beginnings, favored common foods. Had Consort Zhang sent elaborate dishes, she might have been reprimanded.

The Emperor nodded approvingly, and the noodles were brought to him. As he ate, he asked the eunuch, “Anything else amusing to report?”

The eunuch smiled. “There was an odd incident at the Dou Residence.”

Intrigued, the Emperor perked up. “Oh?”

“It seems that after the ceremony, screams were heard from the Dou residence. Word has it that Prime Minister Dou was chasing his youngest son with a wolf-tooth club.”

The Emperor’s interest deepened as he reached for the plate of melon seeds. “What happened?”

The eunuch shared the juicy details he had uncovered: “Apparently, Prime Minister Dou’s son had been caught by his father after competing with the Prince of Jibei’s son for the favor of a courtesan.”

The Emperor’s excitement instantly deflated. “That’s it?”

Here he was, expecting a dramatic tale of familial betrayal, only to be served a trivial scandal about a courtesan rivalry—not even between father and son, but between unrelated parties!

He set the melon seeds back down, thoroughly disappointed.

“Xu Yanmiao is much better at this—he never fails to deliver.”