SBCEJM -Chapter 364 A Butcher’s Knife for Qixi? This Straight Guy Is Hopeless!

【What else?】
Feng Zexuan asked curiously.

【Something that attracts the opposite sex.】

The system let out a wicked little laugh.

Crack.

The teacup in Li Jingyan’s hand shattered on the spot.

Scalding tea splashed across the back of his hand, but he didn’t feel a thing.

Three pairs of eyes instantly locked onto him.

Xiao Che raised a brow.

Lu Zheng widened his eyes.

Su Yan’s grin stretched all the way to his ears.

A perfume that attracted the opposite sex?

This Lord Li sure had some… interesting hobbies.

【At age twenty, Li Jingyan developed a special fragrance called “Peach Blossom Calamity.”】

【Rumor had it that any woman who smelled it would have her heart race, cheeks flush pink, and emotions spiral out of control.】

【At the time, he didn’t know how powerful it was. He only thought the scent smelled refreshing, so he made it into perfume oil and sprayed himself head to toe with it.】

【And then?】

【Then he strutted right into the capital’s largest flower-viewing gathering smelling like that!】

【That place looked like a poetry salon on the surface, but underneath? It was basically a gigantic matchmaking event!】

Feng Zexuan could already smell the delicious scandal brewing.

Li Jingyan lowered his eyes, desperately trying to erase that unbearable memory from his mind.

【The moment Li Jingyan entered, “Peach Blossom Calamity” exploded in effect.】

【Every young lady within thirty feet took one look at him and instantly blushed, shuffling toward him in tiny little steps.】

The system even started imitating them.

【“Young Master Li, your elegance today…”】

【“Lord Li, would you honor me with a drink? I brewed this Longjing tea myself.”】

【“Brother Li… ah, look at that peony…”】

【The normally dignified noble ladies all circled around him nonstop.】

【Offering snacks, “accidentally” brushing his hand while passing them over.】

【Walking nearby, then “coincidentally” tripping on stones and falling straight into his arms.】

【The bolder ones outright grabbed his sleeve and insisted he teach them poetic meter.】

Feng Zexuan covered her mouth, laughing.

【This man was about to be buried alive in a sea of tenderness.】

Thinking back on it now, Li Jingyan felt like it had all been a nightmare.

Xiao Che rubbed the hilt of his saber, his eyes filled with disdain for such “soft and underhanded” methods.

Mixed in with that disdain, however, was a trace of dangerous curiosity.

Meanwhile, Lu Zheng’s eyes lit up as though he’d just discovered the ultimate solution to relationship problems.

Su Yan tapped rhythmically on the table, already calculating the possible formula and commercial value of “Peach Blossom Calamity.”

【And that wasn’t even the worst part!】

【The young noblemen who came along all turned green with jealousy.】

【Watching every girl they liked suddenly become Li Jingyan’s fanatics, they exploded on the spot.】

【“Li Jingyan, you peacock! Using such shameless tricks!”】

【The whole crowd thought he was fighting dirty.】

【Li Jingyan panicked too. He sniffed himself frantically and finally remembered the deadly perfume on him.】

【He turned to run, but the girls refused to let him go, grabbing his sleeves and robe hems no matter what.】

【The entire gathering descended into chaos.】

【In the end, the son of the Minister of War—jealous beyond reason—rushed over during the commotion and kicked Li Jingyan straight into the ornamental lake nearby!】

【Splash! The strange fragrance was finally washed clean by the lake water.】

Feng Zexuan laughed so hard she nearly lost her mind.

【So the antidote was lake water? Hahahahaha!】

【Exactly!】

【Once the girls snapped back to their senses and remembered how lovestruck they’d acted, they wanted to die from embarrassment.】

【They blamed Li Jingyan for humiliating them in public!】

【So all the young masters and young ladies grabbed fruit and pastries from the banquet tables and started pelting the poor man while he flailed around in the water.】

【In the end, the old madam hosting the event had servants fish him out.】

【Li Jingyan emerged soaked from head to toe, with water weeds hanging from his hair and half a piece of osmanthus cake plastered to his face.】

【From that day onward, he never dared use homemade perfume casually again.】

【And from then on, a saying spread through the capital’s social circles: “Better offend the King of Hell than touch Young Master Li.”】

Feng Zexuan laughed until tears streamed down her face.

【The mighty Commander of the Imperial Guard got blacklisted by the entire aristocratic circle because of one bottle of perfume?】

Remembering his own humiliating dive into a river, Xiao Che actually reached out and gave Li Jingyan a heavy pat on the shoulder.

Not a single word was spoken, yet it said everything.

Su Yan leisurely pushed over another cup of tea.

“Brother Li, wet your throat. Don’t worry—the story’s still long.”

Li Jingyan accepted the cup and drained it in one gulp, bitterness spreading through his chest.

【Host, the third one isn’t any better.】

【Imperial City Patrol Commandant Lu Zheng, twenty-seven years old, the youngest of the four.】

【Born poor, climbed his way up through military achievements. Honest and upright, but… kind of dense.】

【Dense?】

【The kind of dense that can kill a conversation stone dead.】

Lu Zheng, who had been enjoying the show moments ago, froze.

What did they mean by “dense”?

How was he dense?!

【He has a childhood sweetheart fiancée, and the two have a very good relationship.】

Lu Zheng relaxed slightly.

That didn’t sound embarrassing.

【But Lu Zheng is missing the entire “romance” section of his brain.】

【One year during Qixi Festival, his fiancée kept hinting that she wanted a gift.】

【Lu Zheng thought long and hard about it, and in the end gave her a… gleaming butcher’s knife.】

The tent instantly fell into dead silence.

Xiao Che, Li Jingyan, and Su Yan all turned toward Lu Zheng in unison, staring at him like he was some kind of rare species.

Qixi Festival…

And he gave her a butcher’s knife?

【His reasoning was: “Didn’t you say you wanted to learn cooking? I had the best blacksmith forge this for you. It can slice through hair with ease—guaranteed useful!”】

【His fiancée burst into tears on the spot, while he stood there looking completely innocent.】

Feng Zexuan was laughing herself to death.

【A butcher’s knife for Qixi? This guy’s brain circuitry is incredible!】

Lu Zheng’s neck turned bright red as he stubbornly defended himself, his voice full of grievance.

“That knife was forged from hundred-times-refined steel! It really was sharp! She herself said she wanted to learn cooking!”

His entire expression screamed:

I did this for your own good, so why aren’t you grateful?!

【And it gets even better.】

Lu Zheng’s heart sank.

There was more?!

【Last year on his fiancée’s birthday, Lu Zheng gave her another grand gift—a custom-made suit of women’s armor.】

Pfft—!

Xiao Che sprayed out a mouthful of tea.

Li Jingyan covered his face, shoulders shaking violently.

Su Yan turned his head aside, his face red from holding back laughter.

【His explanation was: “You’re always worried about my safety. If you wear this, we can fight enemies side by side in the future!”】

【His fiancée immediately threw the helmet at his face, and the two of them entered a cold war for an entire month.】

【In the end, Lu Zheng’s mother personally stepped in and taught him how to buy gold jewelry to apologize before his fiancée finally forgave him.】

【But even now, Lu Zheng still can’t understand it. The armor was so practical—why was she angry?】

Feng Zexuan’s voice echoed faintly in everyone’s minds:

【Practical my ass!】

【Girls want romance and moonlit poetry—not iron horses and icy battlefields!】

【For his fiancée to endure this level of straight-man behavior until now, that’s definitely true love!】

The other three burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Lu Zheng’s face turned tomato red.

He opened his mouth, only for the words to get stuck in his chest.

Armor could save lives. A butcher’s knife could cook meals. What was wrong with that?!

He wanted to shout it out loud—

But then he met Li Jingyan’s sympathetic yet deeply relieved gaze.

That look clearly said:

Brother, thank you. With you taking the bottom spot, I suddenly feel much better about myself.

Silently, Lu Zheng swallowed his words back down.

Xiao Che patted him on the shoulder.

“Brother, you should really learn from the rest of us in the future.”

Su Yan handed him another cup of tea.

“Brother Lu, my condolences.”

Lu Zheng accepted the tea and drank it all in one go, feeling utterly wronged.

He genuinely couldn’t understand what was so bad about his gifts.

Just then, Feng Zexuan asked curiously:

【System, what about the last one—Su Yan?】

【What kind of dark history does he have?】

The laughter inside the tent abruptly stopped again.

Su Yan—the one who had laughed the loudest moments ago—felt his Adam’s apple bob nervously.

Suddenly, he couldn’t laugh anymore.