SBCEJM -Chapter 321 I’m Getting Paid to Poop in Court? No, I’m Doing Royal Wellness Exercises!

【Target: Minister of Rites, Lu Wenbin.】
【Diagnosis: Mild fatty liver, lumbar disc at risk of bulging.】

In the lineup, the round-bodied Minister Lu suddenly felt a sharp twitch in his lower back.

It was as if he had been pricked by a needle—his slouched posture instantly straightened.

His heart skipped a beat, and he subconsciously tightened his abdomen.

He really couldn’t control his eating these years—the palace chefs were just too good.

【Huh? Why does Minister Chu look so strange today too? He seems restless, like there are nails under his butt.】
【System: Host, he doesn’t “seem” like it. He really has them.】
【Diagnosis: Target Chu Heng is suffering from hemorrhoids due to poor bathroom habits.】
【He applied a folk hemorrhoid ointment a bit too heavily this morning. The burning sensation is now spreading through the “chrysanthemum region.”】

Countless gazes instantly turned into sharp arrows, shooting straight toward Minister Chu’s lower body.

The famously serious Chu Heng was shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Feeling everyone’s attention, his glute muscles clenched hard.

And with that squeeze, the burning sensation intensified.

His old face flushed violently, turning the color of pig liver.

Chu Heng wanted to cry without tears.

He never should have listened to that doctor’s advice—“apply generously for faster results!”

Now the entire court knew about his condition!

Meanwhile, Feng Zeyuan’s “health report” continued.

【Vice Minister of War, Minister Qian: kidney deficiency, frequent nighttime urination—seven trips last night.】
【Ministry of Works official Sun: long-term dust exposure, risk of pneumoconiosis. Recommendation: wear protective masks.】

Minister Qian’s face instantly turned red.

He really did get up seven times last night—his wife had already complained about him disturbing her sleep!

Official Sun quickly noted down the words “protective mask,” planning to have some made immediately.

【Huh? My father is in pretty good health—everything is green.】
【As expected of a man who weaves bamboo baskets all day. His hand activity is sufficient! Finger dexterity like a young man!】
【And his mentality is good too—no workplace stress, so naturally healthy!】

Feng Huai’an’s tightly pressed lips curved almost imperceptibly.

Hehe—his daughter praised him!

Instantly, he felt refreshed and energized.

Feng Zeyuan glanced at his father and also smiled faintly.

As long as his father was healthy, he felt at ease.

Finally, the system’s scanning beam landed precisely on the highest seat—the figure in golden robes.

【Beep! Target: Emperor Xiao Juechen.】
【Diagnosis: chronic sleep deprivation, excessive mental strain, leading to liver qi stagnation and internal heat.】
【Recent symptoms include insomnia, dry mouth, and… mild hair loss.】

On the dragon throne, the emperor’s dignified expression cracked.

His fingers twitched. He almost reached for his head—but forced himself to stop midway, instead adjusting his imperial crown.

The movement was stiff, and a trace of panic flickered in his eyes.

Hair loss?!

Lately, he really did feel like he was shedding more hair when combing…

But how could such a thing be known by the entire court?!

Feng Zeyuan silently rejoiced.

Good thing she had her brother doing exercise—running and lifting weights in the space every day—otherwise he would be on this “social death list” too.

【Oh no! The things I fear most are hair loss and hemorrhoids!】
【Hair loss ruins appearance, hemorrhoids ruin quality of life!】
【Poor Minister Chu… he can’t even stand properly. That must be suffering so much!】
【And Old Xiao… please don’t turn into a bald emperor!】

Chu Heng wanted nothing more than to dig a hole and bury himself on the spot.

Please stop talking!

At least leave me a shred of dignity!

Emperor Xiao Juechen’s fingers tightened on the dragon throne’s armrest. Thinking about becoming bald made him feel ice-cold inside.

【Host, don’t just feel sorry for them.】
The system spoke calmly.
【There’s actually a very simple health method that solves all these problems!】

Chu Heng’s eyes lit up with hope.

Everyone in the court—including the emperor—held their breath.

【It’s called the “anal lift exercise”! Simple contraction and relaxation, very effective!】
【It improves blood circulation in the “chrysanthemum region,” prevents hemorrhoids, and strengthens pelvic floor muscles!】

Feng Zeyuan suddenly felt attacked by memories from her past life.

【Uh… a lot of health experts in my modern world recommended this!】
【Come on, Host! For your butt health, follow me now!】

Chu Heng froze.

Feng Zeyuan rolled her eyes internally.

【System, can you be serious… I’m standing in court right now…】

【What’s wrong with that? It’s scientific health care!】
【Besides, no one can see it under your official robes!】
【Come, follow my instructions!】

【Inhale!】
【Tighten your abdomen!】
【Then rhythmically lift and contract the anus upward!】
【Hold for about 5 seconds!】
【Then relax for 10 seconds!】
【Exhale, relax!】
【Good! Very standard! Again! Inhale!】

Feng Zeyuan sighed—but her body obediently followed the instructions.

She had no idea that at this moment, the Grand Court of the Great Xia Dynasty was witnessing the most bizarre, absurd, and historically significant scene ever recorded.

From the emperor on the dragon throne down to all civil and military officials—everyone was silently performing the same synchronized movement under the system’s instructions.

Emperor Xiao Juechen sat upright, expression solemn, eyes forward, one hand on the throne, the other adjusting his robe.

On the surface: imperial dignity.

Underneath: his muscles were rhythmically—

Inhale, hold five seconds.
Exhale, relax, pause.

Serious tightening.
Careful relaxing.

After all, hair loss was already terrifying—hemorrhoids would be catastrophic.

Prime Minister Lin Zhengyan closed his eyes slightly, as if contemplating state affairs, appearing lost in thought.

Under his wide sleeves, his fists were slightly clenched.

In reality… he was following the rhythm carefully.

Inhale, exhale.

He hadn’t had a proper bowel movement in eight days—this “health method” felt precious.

If this could improve intestinal movement, that would be even better!

Minister of Revenue Chu Heng was the most devout.

His expression was serene, as if enlightened by great truth. Even a faint smile of relief appeared on his face.

Each contraction eased the burning sensation slightly.

Each relaxation felt like bidding farewell to suffering.

Crown Prince Xiao Mingxuan initially tried not to laugh—but the more he listened, the more interesting it seemed.

Since he was free anyway, why not try it?

He did it openly and even glanced at Princess Xiao Mingyue beside him.

She was also following along with wide curious eyes, looking extremely serious—like she was learning some ultimate martial art.

Their eyes met for a brief moment, and both awkwardly looked away, focusing on the floor.

Minister Qian thought while moving:

“If this really works, I should do it before court every day. Maybe it’ll cure my nocturnal urination.”

Official Sun thought:

“I should teach this to workers on construction sites—they squat all day and are prone to hemorrhoids.”

Minister Lu Wenbin felt his lower back pain ease slightly:

“Could this also strengthen the waist?”

The entire Grand Court, beneath its solemn exterior, was flowing with an invisible rhythm.

A silent force connected emperor and ministers alike.

If recorded by historians, this would surely become an eternal oddity.

“Records of the Great Xia Dynasty”:
“In such-and-such year, during court assembly, the King of the Northern Frontier presented a health method known as the ‘anal lift exercise.’”

“The Emperor led all officials in practicing it together. The hall was silent, filled only with the sound of breathing.”

“Truly a wonder unprecedented since the founding of the dynasty.”