Twenty years ago, nineteen-year-old commoner scholar Feng Huai’an crushed the competition with his essay “On the Foundation of a Nation Being the Hearts of Its People” and claimed the title of top scholar.
On the day the results were announced, the long streets were packed with people eager to catch a glimpse of the newly crowned zhuangyuan.
As he rode through the streets on horseback, every young lady hidden behind the windows of noble households leaned out to watch.
One by one, those dust-covered old stories were about to be pried open in public.
Feng Huai’an slowly closed his eyes.
When he opened them again, they were calm and empty.
Forget it.
There was no escaping anymore.
A trace of resigned helplessness appeared on his usually stern and upright face, but his back straightened even more.
The corners of Xiao Juechen’s lips curled upward slightly as he leaned forward.
He really wanted to see just how “unrestrained” Feng Huai’an had been in his youth.
【So why was your dad such hot property back then?】
The system began its explanation.
【First of all, he was handsome. Secondly, he was absurdly talented—a top scholar from a poor family with limitless prospects ahead.】
【Most importantly, his family background was spotless! Just a pair of hardworking parents!】
【To those deeply entrenched aristocratic clans in court, he was basically the perfect son-in-law template dropped from heaven!】
Feng Zexuan suddenly understood.
【Ohhh! So my dad was basically Tang Monk meat!】
【Easy to control, no complicated baggage, and if their daughter married him, she’d automatically become the unquestioned mistress of the household while her family gained a powerful ally!】
The system replied:
【Exactly. So all those ministers swarmed like cats smelling fish, pushing out their daughters, sisters, and nieces one after another.】
As soon as the system finished speaking, Prime Minister Lin’s expression changed slightly.
His fingers tightened around his court tablet.
Damn it.
He’d been involved in this gossip too!
【Back then, the current Prime Minister Lin—who was still Vice Minister Lin at the time—wanted to marry his mysophobic younger sister to your dad.】
【Why is their family so obsessed with the men in my family?】
Feng Zexuan muttered inwardly.
【His wife lusts after my dad’s body, his daughter lusts after my brother, and his sister used to want to marry my dad too…】
【Amazing. Does someone in their family secretly lust after me too?】
The system replied speechlessly:
【…No, actually.】
Feng Zexuan:
【…Their men are surprisingly normal.】
The officials could already sense the inexplicable competitive spirit rising from the Prince of Zhenbei.
【Continue.】
Feng Zexuan urged eagerly, desperate to hear more.
The system continued leisurely:
【So just how obsessed with cleanliness was Miss Lin?】
【She changed clothes eight times a day and traveled with three maids at all times.】
【One scattered flower petals, one laid down handkerchiefs, and one used a feather duster to sweep a chair three times before she sat down!】
A few suppressed coughing laughs echoed through the court.
Prime Minister Lin’s expression remained calm, though his eyes drifted toward the clouds outside the hall.
【One beautiful afternoon, your dad “coincidentally” met Miss Lin in a lakeside pavilion.】
【While she was complaining about the smell of grass near the lake, your dad suddenly moved with lightning speed—】
【—and pulled out a gigantic toad covered in warts from between the rocks!】
Prime Minister Lin’s eyelids twitched.
【Holding that toad solemnly in both hands, he leaned toward Miss Lin and said seriously:】
【“Miss Lin, look at the distribution of these warts on the toad’s back. They perfectly match the description of the ‘chief of the five poisons’ recorded in the Compendium of Materia Medica.”】
【“Since fate has allowed us to encounter such a creature together, perhaps we should study it.”】
【“I hear that squeezing the warts makes them spray poison. Quite fascinating.”】
Prime Minister Lin’s face had already turned green.
It was as though he could see through twenty years of time to his younger sister’s horrified, twisted expression.
And hear the scream that never quite escaped her throat.
From that day onward, she walked around ponds whenever she saw one.
Beside him, the Vice Minister of Rites whispered quietly:
“Brother Lin, didn’t your sister later marry into Jiangnan? I heard she still refuses to eat fish or shrimp to this day…”
Prime Minister Lin:
“…Shut up.”
【HAHAHAHA!】
Feng Zexuan laughed herself insane internally.
【My dad’s move was brilliant! A direct strike to the weak point!】
【More, more!】
The system continued gleefully spilling tea:
【There was also the former Vice Minister of War’s daughter. She worshipped heroes and was famous for her swordsmanship.】
【So when your dad attended their banquet, he deliberately dressed in thin clothes and acted weak and fragile.】
The current Minister of War—who happened to be that vice minister’s son—darkened immediately.
Not good.
Now it was his family’s turn.
【During the banquet, the young lady was naturally encouraged to perform a sword dance. Her sword aura swept through the hall and won endless applause.】
【After the performance, she saluted with her sword, and your dad clapped while walking forward.】
【Then he “accidentally” got scratched by a trace of sword aura lingering on the tip of her blade.】
【It was just the tiniest cut—barely enough for a single drop of blood to appear.】
【Your dad stared at that drop of blood—】
【Rolled his eyes back—and collapsed stiffly on the spot!】
【Right there in front of the entire banquet hall, a grown man fainted at the sight of one tiny drop of blood.】
【That young lady’s dream of heroic romance shattered into pieces instantly.】
Several military officials exchanged glances.
They wanted to laugh but didn’t dare, their faces turning red from holding it in.
The Minister of War closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
He remembered something his father had once said before dying:
“That Feng Huai’an… is a monster.”
At the time, he hadn’t understood.
Now he did.
【As for Minister Li of the Ministry of Works’ niece, she was famous for loving luxury. She wouldn’t wear anything but gold and jade, nor eat anything but delicacies.】
【Your dad was even more ruthless with her.】
Vice Minister Li of the Ministry of Works stiffened.
【He attended the banquet wearing an old robe washed nearly white, patched seven or eight times with different colored fabric.】
【He ignored the table full of expensive delicacies completely.】
【After a few rounds of wine, he calmly pulled out a dry, hard cornbread bun wrapped in oil paper from his sleeve and started chewing on it as if nobody else existed.】
Minister Li felt his old face burning with embarrassment.
【When the host asked why, your dad sighed honestly and said:】
【“My family is poor. I grew up surviving on this.”】
【“Such luxurious dishes served on jade plates are not something people like me dare enjoy. I fear it would diminish my lifespan and blessings.”】
Just imagining the scene made people curl their toes in secondhand embarrassment.
【But the cruelest one was how he dealt with the granddaughter of the former Censor-in-Chief.】
【That young lady was a classic literary girl, always sighing about spring and autumn while writing melodramatic poetry about flowers and the moon.】
【So your dad catered perfectly to her tastes and discussed “the aesthetics of life” with her.】
【Except what he discussed was how a lively pig turns into a plate of fragrant braised pork.】
【From where to cut for bloodletting, to scraping off hair and gutting the pig, all the way to eighteen methods of cooking pig organs.】
【Stir-fried liver, braised intestines, cold heart-and-lung salad…】
【He described everything vividly and enthusiastically, saliva practically flying everywhere.】
【It’s said the young lady turned pale as dirt while listening and ran outside covering her mouth to vomit.】
The system immediately snickered.
【And it wasn’t ordinary dry heaving either—it was morning sickness!】
Feng Zexuan froze.
【Morning sickness?】
【Yep!】
The system casually tossed out another ancient piece of gossip.
【She was already over a month pregnant at the time, and the child belonged to her family’s guard.】
【The old Censor-in-Chief wanted your dad to become the scapegoat husband, but your dad’s “pig slaughter theory” grossed her out so badly she threw up.】
【When she got home, she even declared that she’d rather die than marry someone as vulgar as your dad.】
At that instant, every eye in court turned simultaneously toward the current Supervising Secretary Qian.
Minister Qian was the “lucky man” who had eventually married that woman.
His expression could no longer be described as ugly.
It was a riot of colors, like an opera performer’s painted face.
His jaw clenched tightly, the muscles twitching violently.
So that was the truth!
The son he had painstakingly raised for twenty years wasn’t even his own blood!
But then another thought crossed his mind—
His wife had remarried ten years ago, and he himself had later discovered he was infertile…
If he hadn’t married her back then, he wouldn’t even have anyone to bury him in old age now.
Thinking of it that way, Minister Qian forcibly swallowed the mouthful of blood threatening to rise in his throat.
The entire court had gone numb from hearing this endless string of outrageous maneuvers.
So the rumor that once spread through the capital’s noble ladies’ circles—
“Lord Feng has strange peculiarities and is likely unsuitable for marriage”—
had all been a massive performance directed and acted out by Feng Huai’an alone.
Feng Zekai’s mouth twitched violently.
Only now did he realize that his own methods of rejecting people were like a firefly trying to compete with the moon compared to his father’s.
Meanwhile, Feng Zexuan was already laughing so hard internally she was about to lose her mind.
【My dad is way too savage!】
【Oh, there’s even worse!】
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